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The Bridge of Fools
A play by Tom Foolery

EXT. Bridge over a lazy river.

A large troll waits beneath the bridge, hungrily anticipating its dinner. A foppishly dressed man in bright clothing walks by the bridge singing a familiar tune.

TOM FOOLERY: I wish I was in Avalon, Doo Dah, Doo Dah!

Suddenly, the troll leaps from his hiding place and snarls menacingly at the innocent traveler.

TROLL/MONSTER: Smi, Smi, Smi, and Smidge! A foolish humie I smell on my bridge!

TOM FOOLERY: Hello friend! I hope you are having a pleasant day! Friend, you seem to be drooling...Are you well?

TROLL/MONSTER:  Fool! I mean to eat you for lunch!

TOM FOOLERY: Aye, a fool I am, but I can't stay for lunch! I'm eating with my cousins!

TROLL/MONSTER:  No fool! You will be my lunch! I will eat you!

There is a pause as the Fool contemplates the words. He then shudders with fear.

TOM FOOLERY: (aside) This troll intends to eat me! Oh dear, I must outsmart this troll if I am to live. But can I do it? I am not as smart as Julian or Jack! I am simply a Fool and I face a troll! I have heard that in many sub-tropical climates that indigeounous genuses of trolls can be quite crafty. I must delay it so the other fools can save me!

TOM FOOLERY: Oh, Mr. troll, you don't want to eat me! I am simply far too lean to be a meal! Consider my cousins who are following right behind me! They are plump and much tastier than I!

TROLL/MONSTER:  (considers for a few seconds) Hmmmm...You said many words. But I think you meant that your friends will taste better. Ok. I'll eat them. But if they don't come, I'll eat you!

Tom runs out of the scene. His close friend, Julian, wanders up to the troll moments later.

JULIAN THE FOOL: Hello there foul smelling man! A pleasant day to thee!

TROLL/MONSTER:  Lunch finally arrive! troll eat you now fool!

JULIAN THE FOOL: Dear me! What sort of cannibal are you? Stop nibbling on my hat! That's expensive! Look here now, if it's a toll you want...

TROLL/MONSTER:  Toll! No I am troll! I eat you!

JULIAN THE FOOL: (aside) A troll! My word! This creature is too quick witted to be tricked by me! I fear only my brother JACK THE FOOL: , who was blessed with all the Squat family wit, could defeat this mean troll toll collector. I had better think of something!

JULIAN THE FOOL: Look here! I would be a horrible meal! All I eat are pickled herrings! I am full of preservatives! If you ate me, you would turn into a giant pickle! You should eat my cousin Jack! He would be a perfect meal for you!

TROLL/MONSTER:  Hmmmm...I am hungry, but I don't like pickles. Ok, I will eat your Jack . But if he doesn't come, I'll eat you!

Julian runs to the other side and joins Jullin. Both look to each other nervously. Jack Squat, Fool of Fools, walks near to the bridge.

JACK THE FOOL: Hello friend, and a fine day to thee!

TROLL/MONSTER:  Finally! Lunch for me, death to thee!

JACK THE FOOL: Friend! This is hardly a way to encourage trade and commerce across your bridge. Kindly stop looking at me with those ravenous eyes!

TROLL/MONSTER:  (smacks lips) You will be tasty meal! Your friends said that you are the best of them and the tastiest!

JACK THE FOOL: (aside) Think quickly

JACK THE FOOL: This ugly man wishes to eat me!

*JACK THE FOOL:  plays peacemaking but fuddles the notes*

TROLL/MONSTER: HAHAHAHA! Your mind tricks do not work on me, bard!

JACK THE FOOL: But Mr. Foul Smelling Ugly Man! You don't want to eat me! It's scientifically unsound!


JACK THE FOOL: Errr, yes! Haven't you heard of 'You are what you eat?' Well, I am a weak Fool! You are a strong disfigured Ugly man! If you ate me, you would become a weak fool! It's scientific!


JACK THE FOOL: Well, I have a solution! You have undoubtedly eaten only the finest and strongest ugly men to have become what you are now! So...If you want to stay strong, and you are what you eat....You must eat yourself!

The troll looks confused then brightens, the simple logic of it all striking him suddenly.

TROLL/MONSTER: (begins to gnaw on himself) You are smart! I eat myself so I stay like myself! *chomp* Hmm, I taste like chicken!

The troll eats himself until he disappears (hides), then 6 pieces of rib meat appear where once there was a mighty troll.

JULIAN THE FOOL: Cousin! You did it! You saved us! You have slain the troll! How did you do it?

JACK THE FOOL: Indigestion. I suppose the troll just didn't agree with himself.


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